Update
Realized I never came back and thanked everybody for all the great info. I certainly read it!
I ended up stumbling upon a '01 XLT that was an amazing deal. It was a few things I didn't want ('01, XLT, white, 4.6L), but it was in amazing condition. Garage-kept. Perfect interior. Not a single stain or leather rip.
I checked just about everything you guys mentioned, and every single thing checked out.
No tailgate bubbling
6-CD changer still works 100%
All weatherstripping great condition
All doors closed smoothly
EVERY switch light works
Hood/hatch hydraulics brand new
A/C compressor good and blows cold in front (rear needs a recharge)
3rd row seat never sat on
2nd row fold-down seat fully functional
Mirror motors work
Power pedal work
Running boards good
No rust anywhere, even the radiator supports. The bushings are still fresh!
No TPMS (meh), no sunroof (meh), no DVD (good, tablets work better anyway).
Professionally lowered and with 20" wheels. I could care less, but the (short) wife is happy about it!
A paint chip missing from the driver's door handle and the driver's window squeaks a little when going past 1/3 down.
35,305 miles. Dealer serviced every time with CarFax to prove it all. $5,500.
For that price, I could maybe get an '03-'04 with 150k miles in fair condition in my market.
I do wish I had the Eddie exterior trim, but I think I'll live.