Turns out this is probably not the disaster you think. In my case, the damage was that all the plastic pins that hold the bases onto the two cup holders had broken, and the clear plastic "light guide" had broken in half.
I've repaired mine - mostly. 2 things might still go wrong for me:
- I used "Clear Gorilla Glue" which I now believe is the wrong product to glue ABS plastic. Find something specifically for ABS if you do this...
- The dealer seems to have removed the clear elastic band that holds the cup fingers in place (grrrrr). So I daisy-chained some standard elastics, but those deteriorate quickly. I ordered a 3.6mm/0.14" diameter surgical tubing to replace them when they break.
https://www.amazon.ca/Emerald-Replacement-Shooting-Slingshot-Catapult/dp/B0725C4GQH
Here's the walkthrough for those who would rather not pay the dealer:
1) Open the console, and pull up on the rear of the front console cover at the bottom of the "leather". The clips are made to pull up fairly easily, so you shouldn't have to pull really hard. Once the clips let go, slide it backwards to get the front clear of the dash.
2) Disconnect the 5 (at least in my case) connectors (Gear Selector, Drive Mode, 2 x LEDs for cup holders, and the secret key compartment thing).
3) Carry it (and all the loose pieces) to a convenient spot, and remove the 6 screws holding the cup holder assembly to the console cover.


4) Might as well clean everything at this point.
5) Arrange the light guides and the cup holders - ensure the secret key thing is going to end up in the front cup holder. There is a foam block on one side of the cup holder assembly (seems to hold the elastic in place) - on my console it was on the centre side of the cup holders when installed, as opposed to the passenger side edge. I test fit everything to make sure I wasn't ******** up.
6) Glue the bottoms to the cup holder assembly on the side tabs. I used paper clips and clamps to apply pressure and let them sit 4 hours.

(Photo taken before I added the paper clips to clamp the side tabs together)
7) Run the elastic(s) through all the guides so that the fingers are in the right place.

8) ***** the assembly back on the cover.

9) Plug everything back in and slide it under the dash, and push down on the back to reseat the clips.
10) Forbid everyone from forcing large heavy water bottles into the cup holders...
